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mad_andyOK. I'm in Torino. Lia is fast asleep in bed. I'm trying to thump the muses into co-operating for just a little longer. We're going out later to try and see a little of the city.
Everything is, on the whole, going well.
So why am I sitting here feeling so miserable I want to cry?
OK. Yesterday Slay reminded me of his presence in the most obnoxious way - he calledme to complain that there was no cat food and what was I going to do about it?
What I did was not lose my temper, call work, get them to put aside a bag and called him back to arrange that he go collect it. Which he complained about. But did anyway because the cats were hassling him, and heaven forfend tha any of the animals disturb him in any way shape or form when he's sitting and watching the goddamn TV.
I suppose it reminded me of home, or at least made me think of it. Which got me thinking that, really, i don't have one. I have a place that I live. With someone I don't like a heck of a lot right now. Becausr the person I do like a heck of a lot lives in Italy.
Which of course got me thinking about relationships. Which I have sworn off for ever so what am I doing? Visiting a friend who is WAAAAAAAAAAAAAY more than a friend. Sounds like a fucking relationship to me.
*Sigh* So of course I'm worried about screwing things up for her. She'll tell me not to worry, of course, but I do. Am I just rebounding? Am I just so horny I'm bounding into bed with the first sympathetic body that offers? Am I going to end up just stomping all over the heart of someone who makes me happy?
Crap crap crap. Crappity crap crap.
And everyone keeps asking for pics. Er. Guys. You don't want pics of what we've been up to so far becaue, with the exception of meeting friends for pizza (and having an evening in with them which was a blast) they're not the sort of pictures you share. Except on a porn site. Capisce?
Although today we're supposed to actually be going out and seeing the city, which although not as much fun as sending the day in bed at least means I should have some pics to share...although the weather is now miserable.
OK, I'm rambling now. Although at least the fucking nosebleed has now stopped.
I don't want to go home. And a friend I care about an awful lot is hurting and I feel pretty fucking useless in that direction too.
Can't I just sort of find a nice little hole to hide in somewhere and never, ever come out again?
*Sigh*
Everything is, on the whole, going well.
So why am I sitting here feeling so miserable I want to cry?
OK. Yesterday Slay reminded me of his presence in the most obnoxious way - he calledme to complain that there was no cat food and what was I going to do about it?
What I did was not lose my temper, call work, get them to put aside a bag and called him back to arrange that he go collect it. Which he complained about. But did anyway because the cats were hassling him, and heaven forfend tha any of the animals disturb him in any way shape or form when he's sitting and watching the goddamn TV.
I suppose it reminded me of home, or at least made me think of it. Which got me thinking that, really, i don't have one. I have a place that I live. With someone I don't like a heck of a lot right now. Becausr the person I do like a heck of a lot lives in Italy.
Which of course got me thinking about relationships. Which I have sworn off for ever so what am I doing? Visiting a friend who is WAAAAAAAAAAAAAY more than a friend. Sounds like a fucking relationship to me.
*Sigh* So of course I'm worried about screwing things up for her. She'll tell me not to worry, of course, but I do. Am I just rebounding? Am I just so horny I'm bounding into bed with the first sympathetic body that offers? Am I going to end up just stomping all over the heart of someone who makes me happy?
Crap crap crap. Crappity crap crap.
And everyone keeps asking for pics. Er. Guys. You don't want pics of what we've been up to so far becaue, with the exception of meeting friends for pizza (and having an evening in with them which was a blast) they're not the sort of pictures you share. Except on a porn site. Capisce?
Although today we're supposed to actually be going out and seeing the city, which although not as much fun as sending the day in bed at least means I should have some pics to share...although the weather is now miserable.
OK, I'm rambling now. Although at least the fucking nosebleed has now stopped.
I don't want to go home. And a friend I care about an awful lot is hurting and I feel pretty fucking useless in that direction too.
Can't I just sort of find a nice little hole to hide in somewhere and never, ever come out again?
*Sigh*
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no subject
Date: 2006-04-17 03:01 pm (UTC)Hey, Andy, I think you know what you want. It's just hard to decide. Trust you me when I say I know how that feels [kicks at his own stupid indecision]. But I think you already know what you want to do. You no longer really love Slay. So see where your feelings are taking you now. And I suspect this sounds very flippant; I'm sorry for that. I just want you to be happy.
no subject
Date: 2006-04-17 07:03 pm (UTC)And you're not being flippant. And Slay can be a great guy and a really good friend - he just sucks to be married to, is all.
As for happy...I don't, actually, think I'm capable of happy. Not for more than short bursts, anyway; but I will certainly settle for not being suicidal! *Snort*
Thanks. *Bumps shoulder and grins*