Thortful thorts.

[mad_andy]

You know, when I was a kid i was taught that it's not right to be proud of yourself. Other people could be proud of you, but you were supposed to be self effacing, meek, and wave off praise.

Unless you saved a church full of nuns from a pack of mad rapists or a whole orphanage full of disabled children from burning alive - actually, no. Even then you were supposed to just lower one's head, blush, and announce that it was what anyone would have done.

I see the point, I really do. But the side effect of this disdain for blowing one's own trumpet leads, inevitably, to the child (in this case, me, and I'm damn sure most of you reading this post) believing that they are not worth praise, but should just keep striving for unreachable goals.

Being good is never enough; one must strive for perfection, and never, ever forget one's flaws.

Otherwise you were boastful, prideful, going to come to a bad end. (I used to lie awake at night unable to sleep, terrified, my ridiculously fertile imagination coming up with all sorts of gruesome ideas as to what constituted a 'bad end', but I digress.)

The point is, it's taken me many, many years to get to the point where, just occasionally, I can look at something I did and say - you know, I'm damn proud of that. I done good.

Flying solo in a glider. My novels. My artwork. (OK, some of it. Not all.) My nursing skills.

Doesn't mean I stop striving to do better, just that for once I can look at something and say, you know, I did that well.

I'm pretty proud of this week at work. After not many day's training, I've run that shop all week and all in all, I think I've done a pretty good job of it. I've sold livestock, I've advised customers, I've chatted to people, I've maintained the health of the stock and even made a couple of breakthroughs - the painted wood turtles are now eating, and we're making progress with a sick frilled dragon.

I've got along well with the regulars, and not had to bother Chris every five minutes with questions.

I haven't had a single panic attack. I've kept the shop open and running, and haven't collapsed under the strain of such a responsibility.

Excuse me for blowing my own tuba, but you know something?

I'm pretty damn proud of myself.

of course, it isn't over yet; the jungle carpet pythons have mites, and I'm going into the shop tomorrow to get them out of their viv and treat them. *Gulp* Also clean out a couple of vivs and enclosures that contain animals I really need to concentrate on, and can't take the chance on being distracted by a random customer or phone call. (The shop is shut on tuesday, you see.)

These include the African rock python, five feet of solid muscle and bad attitude with teeth, who won't hesitate to attack, the male false water cobra, who has rear fangs and a venom that - should you be unlucky or careless enough to get a dose of it - will cause you to bleed profusely, and possibly fatally if he gets you in the right place. Oh, and he's got an attitude bigger than he is, and he's cracking on for six feet.

And boy, is he fast.

Oh, and the blood python, who is a vengeful beast and dislikes to be handled. Big enough to break your arm, let alone your neck, and the name? They're called blood pythons because, I have been told more than once, that should they bite you they munch and tear and in general rip the skin up so badly that you bleed a lot.

Really a lot.

Comforting, nu?

At this point you're probably asking two questions. One, why would anyone keep such obnoxious animals, and two, why am I mucking about with them when Chris is going to be back on Wednesday?

The answer to one is that they are fascinating, beautiful animals, and keeping them gives you an insight into lives so very different from ours that we can't begin to imagine them.

And two is an answer in two parts. the first part is that no matter how feisty, how aggressive or how lethal, nothing deserves to live in its own waste, or suffer with parasites. The second is that I still have something to prove to myself, I suppose; I want Chris to come back to the shop and feel that his decision to employ me has been vindicated, that I am someone he can trust to get the job done despite my lack of experience with reptiles.

Selfish? Self important?

Possibly.

But I'm going to do it anyway.

Whatever the outcome, I'm still very bloody pleased indeed with myself.

And I think I have every right to be.

ETA: Reading through this post I feel mildly guilty. I don't want anyone to think that I'm saying that I did it all alone, or that I'm better than anyone else. I've had lots of help from regulars, Kim the staurday help, Sarah the regular who also mucks in to help out and has saved my ass on more than one occasion this week. (In case any of you lovely people are worried about me mucking about with big snakes alone, she's actually coming in to help me tomorrow - she has pythons, royals and Burmese, boas and all sorts of scary stuff, so I'll have an experienced pair of hands to show me exactly what to do!)

I'm also not saying that there aren't a hell of a lot of people out there that could do it better. Point is, I'm the one that has done it.

And for once in my benighted existence, I feel pretty good about myself.

Comments

[evaine.livejournal.com]

It's not selfish or self important by any stretch of the imagination, Andy. I've been reading your posts about the shop and your nursing and smiling all the while. Like Bella said, you sound SO happy doing all this stuff, despite the difficult parts and the heartache. And much kudos to you for doing the things that most of us shudder just thinking about - and making them seem like... hey, maybe that's not so bad after all!

Be bloody pleased with yourself, Andy, 'cause dammit, you're doing a great job!

[stonefinder.livejournal.com]

*raises hand*

You can count me under those who aren't comfortable with praise. I never really thought about why before, but your insights give me food for thought. And you should be pleased with yourself, you care about your job and you care enough about the animals you're responsible for to go the extra mile. Definitely something to be proud of.

[foreverhermit.livejournal.com]

I, too, have had trouble in the past with accepting (or feeling worthy of) praise. It's gotten a *bit* easier as I've grown older, but I still struggle with it. Ya know, the problem with striving for perfection is that you're doomed to fail. There is NO such thing as perfection -- not among us humans, anyway. So if you've done a bang up job and wanna pat yourself on the back, you should do exactly that and not apologize for nor explain it. :-)

[tasyfa.livejournal.com]

No need to feel guilty - I didn't think that by being proud of what *you* have done, you were belittling the contributions of others. You SHOULD be proud, and as others have said, you sound so very much happier. It's lovely. :)

In French, there are two translations of 'proud': 'fier' and 'orgueilleux'. The former refers to the pride you are talking about: for a job well done, for a meaningful accomplishment, for feeling good about who you are and what you've done. The latter is the boastful "I rule everything" kind of pride that "goeth before a fall." I wish English made such a distinction in its vocabulary.

(Speaking of vocab...'self-aggrandising' is actually the opposite of what you're talking about - I think you meant 'self-effacing'. *grammar hat is krazy-glued to head* ;-) ) ♥

[madandy.livejournal.com]

Whoops, fixed! Thanks Tas. Well, I was pretty tired when I made that post... ;)

And I agree that the English language needs a distinction like the French - but then, the Brits were ever a strange, emotionally congested lot.

Thanks!

[dogologist.livejournal.com]

I cn'ttell you how good it was to read that post!!

[rdyfrde.livejournal.com]

I don't think it's wrong to be proud of your accomplishments. Just as long as you don't let them go to your head which you've never done.

In some ways I envy you because you can be proud of what you've done. For some reason I can't do that. It's not that I feel guilty when I do but I've never felt I was that worthy of anything. Yeah a lot of that has to do with self-confidence or lack there of. And unlike me, you don't strive for constant praise. If there's anything that I'm guilty of, it's that.

Anyway, I've rambled on enough on your journal but I am happy that you're allowing yourself to savor your accomplishments. *hugs*

[kraftpistole.livejournal.com]

The answer to one is that they are fascinating, beautiful animals, and keeping them gives you an insight into lives so very different from ours that we can't begin to imagine them.

Won't argue "fascinating" or "beautiful," but I still thinking keeping an animal that probably doesn't much care for being in whatever cage you pop it into and that could--if the fancy strikes it--decide it's gonna toss some attitude about and either rip out your arm, poison you, or maim and/or kill small pets, children, and anything else that comes along kinda... Well. Kinda stupid. Can anyone just up and buy one of those snakes, or do you need to prove that you know what you're doing? Though from what you say, even those who know what to do are open to getting mawled by their pet. Which is, I guess, fine... if you live alone. It's not quite so given to B&W when your pet mawls a family member or a neighbour or a total stranger.

I think it's irresponsible to sell that kind of animal as a pet.

[madandy.livejournal.com]

If there was one thing my stories about the shop - and its owner - were supposed to portray, it was my relief that there are some people out there with ethics and a sense of responsibility.

There are an awful lot of shops where you can walk in, point at a baby Burmese python (20 foot + as an adult), or a reticulated python (up to 30 feet, plus a bad attitude) and say "I'll have that one" and be allowed to buy it.

We stock neither species. Although we will order them in specially - but only for customers we know and trust to look after said animals responsibly.

Anyone we think is going to just toss an animal in a cage and not bother to look after it with full respect for what it is we will not sell to.

...decide it's gonna toss some attitude about and either rip out your arm, poison you, or maim and/or kill small pets, children, and anything else that comes along...

This sounds very much, to me, like the attitude that says we must ban something just in case someone gets hurt. Well, pardon me, but bollocks. We make every effort to make sure we don't stock anything lethal and to only sell to responsible adults - but there is also the issue of personal responsibility here. The fact that I wouldn't keep pretty much any of the boids doesn't mean that other people shouldn't.

I really hoped I'd made the whole point about responsibility - but perhaps I didn't.

Still, everyone's entitled to an opinion! ;)